Empathic Listening
“It takes two to speak the truth - one to speak and another to hear.”
We share a long distance friendship that requires 5 hours in the car to connect physically. One day before the pandemic, I had something happen that I needed to tell someone and get some support. The friends nearby weren’t available and I really just wanted to vent to my best friend! I texted Connie and asked her to download the app Marco Polo - and off I went on a tear, telling her my long and drawn out (private) story.
Marco Polo is a video messaging mobile app that uses the tagline: “Stay in touch with the people who matter most to you on your own time. Life is busy. Marco Polo works when you have a moment to talk, even if your schedules don't match.” It has been a really helpful tool in keeping us connected, especially as we decided to build this collective together.
What we like most about Marco Polo is that it it mimics the structured dialogue that empathic listening calls for. Because it is a back and forth of video messages, it allows the sender to speak freely and without interruption. We all know that when friends get together in person, we tend to get so excited that sometimes its fair to think afterwards - did we finish talking about anything?! We tend to interrupt when we agree, or when our impulse is to immediately give our perspective. In all honesty, usually no one minds. But it is essential that we all have space to allow our full thoughts to unfold.
The users of the app both listen and respond when they are ready to, so no one feels bombarded or obligated to immediately hold this space for the other. And that’s the beautiful thing - you hear your friend’s entire message and then respond after with what sticks and settles in your mind. You have time to process what you hear before speaking, and the responses progress much differently than they would in person. The whole process is intimate because the conversation stays fueled by what both people find most salient / interesting.
Empathic listening is listening towards oneness. - paying attention to the other person’s world and making their thoughts and feelings and ideas more important to your own - at least for that moment. It says:
I care about you…
I want to grow alongside you in this…
I am here for you…
We have laughed, we have cried, we have shared therapeutically. We have worked on this website! It’s a weird wild virtual world, but the ways we can connect can be beautifully intentional in ways that in-person dialogue just hasn’t been.
Remember to speak in a way that expresses your truth, listen without speaking (or planning your response) and honor the pause in between…